Timmy

Hello Everyone, I am heading for Prince George any minute now, just waiting for a phone call to meet someone to get a ride to PG and then I'll take the bus to Dawson Creek in the morning. My friend will pick me up there otherwise I have to wait 4 hours to get the bus to Grande Prairie. Steve lives 45 minutes from Dawson, so it will be nice to not have to sit there for 4hrs. I am buying a 1998, VWGolf with only 97,000km and just one owner. I am excited to have a good, economical dependable vehicle!!

I finally went thru Tim's clothes today and I had a very hard time. It took a long time. So many times I just had to bury my face in one of the T-shirts, they hold memories, lots of them, hockey games, Casa por Christo, YFC, Hot Spot and baseball games, but mostly, I got lots of hugs and cuddles while he wore those t-shirts, I can't give them up quite yet, so I'll just keep them and hug them on occassion. I will wear some of them, even though there big, just because they are cozy and it will feel kind of like a hug. I am trying not to cry, I did enough of that today, but it's hard, I miss that little cuddly guy. He was always so good at giving hugs!!

I got a card from one of the Katimavik project leaders that Tim worked with. She described Tim so well, as I read it I began to cry. It says,"I wanted to write to you and your family during this extremely difficult time to let you know how much Tim meant to us during our stay in Williams Lake and how much he inspired and motivated youth from all over Canada (in such a short time). When I first moved to WL to embark on the Katimavik journey, Tim was one or the first people I met as he was the first person to reach out to me and offer me anything I needed. From that day on, Tim was an incredible part of the Katimavik family offering constant support, friendship, humor, resources, encouragement, and inspiration. His faith and incredible love for life (and everything in it) have touched me and the other members of Katimavik who had the absolute pleasure of meeting him. We are so terribly sorry to hear of his passing and wish to send our utmost love and support to you and your dear family. Love Baili Clarke (project leader 2005)" Included in the card were words of encouragement from other Katimavik members. I felt so blessed. I am still finding out all the lives he touched and encouraged. It challenges me to do the same. God wants us to live lives of loving and serving others. It is the way to true joy, just look at Tim he was one crazy happy guy, sometimes I was afraid to take him somewhere incase he had to cheer up someone in some crazy way!! Actually though, these crazy things made me laugh and smile too. I just think about him and I am smiling!! Probably you too!! I thank the Lord for memories and for the many caring people out there that are sharing them. Bless you all!!

Thank you Katimavik for you comments, Amelie Cote ( I will try to one day come and visit you in Montreal again. Tim and I had such a nice time with you and your family!!), Ami Anderson, Andrea Eadie, Heather Bos, Stacey Crouch and Kate Hughes. God bless you all!!

I am thankful for all the cards, phone calls and emails, with comments of love and encouragement. It is this type of love and concern that helps hearts heal and more memories are made. Blessings to all of you!

I talked to Joel and he will be job hunting. He is doing better, sounded happier and seems to know better what he wants to do. Keep praying for guidance and direction for him. The boys leave in 6 days for Mexico and I will leave to visit friends. There will be someone here to house sit and look after our 3 little dogs. We'll be home on Aug.15. I'll keep in touch to let you all know what were up to.

Baili wrote,"Tim-a bright light of love and pure magic!'' I agree.

Wrapped in His Healing Arms, Esther

Sunday Sharing

Thanks for the comments, they blessed me! It is an emotional week and it will probably be like this for a while. The tears just come as I think of or see different things that belonged to Tim. I try not to break down in public because I don't want to be sobbing so I do it at home, in the van or at church during worship so I'm not too loud. Today in church was hard, I couldn't even stay to watch the video about the Mexico trip. They dedicated the house to Tim, it was incredibly special, Pastor Corwin and Todd are amazing! I only watched part of it from the foyer then I went to the van to cry,( it's all good though because tears do bring healing). Tim loved Mexico, he loved the people that went on the trip and he loved serving by building and sharing Jesus with the family that got the house. He use to do all the video taping, I'm glad for that because we can watch it, hear his voice, hear the joy that he had in what he did.

I've been working on alot of paper work, changing over everything from "our" names to mine, this has been so hard because reality is starting to set in that my little sweetheart is not coming home and I have to go on alone. I opened his wallet and there was his drivers license, his happy face looking at me, I cried and kissed his face, I sure miss him(I'm sorry that I'm so sobby but I know you all care and understand, even some of you have gone through this and can understand, thanks). Yesterday, I found his t-shirt on the drier I buried my face in it and cried and cried, I wish he were in it so I could get a hug and snuggle. He was such a cuddler and a smoocher!! I use to call him, the kissing phantom, always had to have a kiss!! I am glad he was that way because I got lots of hugs and kisses and lots of words of encouragement. I miss all that, I miss him. I've been deciding what to do with the vehicles and house stuff and so many times I thought to talk to him, then, I realized he wasn't there. I do know that Jesus is there and He is carrying me. I feel an emptyness, it hurts, it aches. I know that time heals, I know that Jesus heals, I know that I will have all the precious memories without all the pain, one day I will. I know that each of you that read this blog are praying for us, love us and care and for that I am so thankful, may God bless you all. I even know that some of you weep as I do, we cry together because we miss the little guy, thanks. Keep my babies in your prayers, my little girl is such a Dad's girl, I know that she is hurting alot. Joel wants to call Dad and talk about baseball, jobs and finances but he can't. He has been really depressed, he doesn't have a job yet, but does want to go to school in the fall. He has been sitting at home, I encouraged him to force himself to get out, go make plans for school, he said he would. I will check up on him tomorrow evening. Josiah is, at this moment(because I'm crying), playing the piano. He use to do that for his Dad to bless him because Tim use to love hearing him play, it brought him peace and joy. I am so thankful how things have worked out for him to live in Kelowna, I know that he will get alot of love and support there. Jeremiah remains quiet and stays close at home. When we are alone he talks more and I try to talk about Tim alot. I can see the pain in his eyes, I pray that he will not hold it in. He is getting tall, Tim use to say that he would be the tallest, I think that he is right!

We have been invited out to Tyee Lake this week. Marilyn Wheeler said to come out anytime, so we decided that we will go out Tues. The boys can stay out there all week, I will have to come in for some appointments, thankfully it is only 1/2hr. out of town. Mom and Dad Wade will go out on Thurs. It's so beautiful out there. I am looking forward to it, the gentleness of the water and the fresh air. I like going to sleep with the window open, especially when there is a bit of a breeze, you can hear the water lapping against the shore, it helps me fall asleep. I like having a fire outside, hearing the water and looking up at the stary sky. Yes, it will be good for us to get out there. It will be nice to jump in and cool off too!! I hope we can fish out there because would like to do some fishing.

Before I sign off, if anyone knows of anyone going from Williams Lake to PG or Dawson Creek, I need a ride. I have to go to Grande Prairie to pick up a car. So, please let me know, thanks!

Well, friends, thanks, and God bless you all!! I know that God loves us and He walks with us. Death is part of life, it's only for a moment and then we will all be united, so I try to remind myself of that, it helps the healing. I know that my Timmy is looking down at me and he is saying,"you'll be here in a moment too." I just wish our moments were shorter, hehehe! In His time He makes all things beautiful! "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," Eccl. 3:4. Sending Love and appreciating all the wonderful people out there in blog land!! Esther

Hi! It just seems that I am having a really emotinal week. Every where I look I see Tim and I cry. So, many times today I wanted to share something with him and couldn't. I keep reminding myself, Tim Wade is not coming back, and it breaks my heart and I cry. I know that some how the tears will stop and the ache will go away but it just feels like it never will.
I talked to Joel today, hadn't talked to him in about 6 days, which seemed long to me. He still doesn't have a job. He is struggling with grief, he said that he feels so tired and has no motivation. I told him that that is part of gieving and we will have a number of those days but we have to make ourselves move on. Make plans, try to plan something to look forward to, like going out with friends. I had a friends phone me yesterday and took me for a walk, it was so nice, thanks beautiful friends!! And an other friend invited Jerm and I out for supper tonight, I was looking forward to that all day and we had a wonderful time visiting, they let me share as much about Tim as I wanted to and we talked alot about Jesus. So, I encouraged Joel to make himself do things, grieving is hard, sometimes your sad, tired, aching, crying, even angry and sometimes we blame. There is no way around it, it has to be faced and Jesus gives us the strength. I don't understand what has happened but I do know that Jesus loves me, he is soverign and He is our healer. This is a deep subject, healing. I can not even try to understand it. I understand that my savior loves me and that heaven is our destiny, to all those who believe, and we will be there in a moment. Well, at least for those already in heaven, it is but a moment and for us it seems much longer. Our goal is heaven. We will all one day die and we must have a destiny, where are we going??
Anyways, kind of got off on a little tangent there. Joel and I had a nice talk, I just love that wonderful little guy. He will try this week to go to the Metis association and check out funding for college, I gave him his file number. He is hoping to up grade his marks, work hard and then next year go to university to pursue a career, he's thinking about being a French Immersion Elementary teacher. I think that he would be wonderful at this! I reminded him to keep seeking God and He will guide your steps. Please keep praying for him. Also, that others down there will call him up and encourage him to get out to do stuff. He still does not have a job, good thing he has a birthday(July22) coming up and I blessed him with some money, haha! In case some of you didn't know, he is back in Victoria.
Rachelle came over for supper last night, we had a nice visit. It is always nice to be with her, she is a very special person and I see the hand of God on her life. She bought a white Mazda, 4door, it is so nice, I got to see it last night. It feels good to know that she has a good dependable vehicle. She said that she is now an officially independant adult. Tim use to take care of us by handling the finacial stuff and making phone calls about vehicles, insure our vehicles and giving finacial advice. Well, now we all have to learn to do it ourselves. We realize that we were all so blessed, ok, maybe even spoiled! Tim took good care of us all, he was such a caring sweetheart!
I haven't heard from Josiah yet, it's been 2 whole days now, hahaha! I admit it, I miss the little guy already! Jerm and I are hanging out more, it's good just to have little chats.
I tried again today to sort through Tim's clothes but couldn't do it, it hurt too much. I will try again tomorrow, I will eventually be able to do it. Joel was telling me how he thinks of "Dad" every moment of the day and then he said he was thinking about me and how hard it must be to wake up and not have that special person beside you. It is hard. Then, I want to tell Tim about the kids and what I am planning for the day and then I remember he is not there and I cry. Then, I wipe the tears and talk to Jesus and I know that everthing is going to be okay!We are all wrapped in the arms of Jesus!! Love you all, thanks for your prayers, love and support. Thanks for the encouraging comments!! Blessings to you all!! Esther

Kelowna trip

Well, I got home tonight from my trip to kelowna about 10:30pm. Had to do a few things, than decided to check the blog site. I was so blessed and encouraged to see the comments, thanks everyone who reads it. It means alot to me, I know I am not alone!
My van is in great working order and I am thankful to have it although I do know that I will need to sell it soon. I really don't need a vehicle that big. I am buying a VW Golf at the end of July from some friends, it is a great deal!
Josiah and I had a wonderful time in Kelowna, we got to met the young man that Josiah will be room and boarding with and he is an amazing young man!! He will be 21 at the end of July and he bought a condo 2 yrs. ago, very smart thing to do! He is so cool! Him and Jos hit it off right away. We arrived at youth group at the end( we left WL very late), and got introduced to Andrew, Jos's new buddy! Andrew loves the lord very much and is involved in the church. I am so excited for Jos, I know that it will be good for him, but I'm sure going to miss him. I left him down there to go camping with friends and I already miss him!!
Well, I cried most of the way home, until I had no tears left. I am missing my Timmy so much that it hurts, I ache! And there go the tears again! I just want to share with him all about Jos and Andrew. You know, after sharing so much for 26 yrs. it's hard not to be able to share. I know he sees me from heaven, I just wish he were here to hold my hand and sit next to me.
Thanks for your love and prayers. I know that I will get through this. Just can't stop the tears right now! In His arms, Esther

It just seems like there are alot of obstacles that have been coming our way lately. First trying to figure out if I will get life insurance than trying to get a damage deposit back that I had loaned someone and today, I am told that I need a new fuel pump. I don't have much of a choice because that is the only dependable vehicle I have right now. As it is I just put a new transmission in the van in Feb., that was $4,275 which of course went on visa, and then the body work for $1,400(Mar.), new tires, $450(Apr.) and now the fuel pump, did I mention that we put in a new alternator and starter July '06. The positive thing is, the van will be in great shape. Do you know anyone who is looking for an Astro van, in great working order. It should last many more year. Anyways, despite the obstacles, I have a peace, God always works out all the details. Infact, I just recieved a cheque today that will cover the cost of the fuel pump, from someone that said the Lord laid it on there heart to send me the money, so tomorrow I can pay for the fuel pump. Praise the Lord!! Jesus does these things to remind us that He loves us alot!! So, if you have a need don't hesitate to bring it before the Lord, He is faithful to answer our prayers.

I checked the boys funding for their trip to Mexico and it's all good!! They are ready to go and so excited!

I am still reading the book on heaven and it is very interesting. Randy Alcorn has done years of research, using the word of God as his evidence. I am excited about heaven, just think, we will be reunited with all those we love, live in the most beautiful place imaginable with our Savior!! Just think we will be able to physically hug Jesus!! Wow!

"Many things about tomorrow ,I don't seem to understand but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand!" (part of a song I learned as a kid)

Holding His hand, Esther

Meditations

It's sure nice to read the comments on the blog. Thank you to those of you who left comments, it blessed me!
I got my days a little mixed up on the Sat., I wrote Fundraising Fri. Jos pointed out that it was actually Sat., oops! Sat. was a great day, seeing people and visiting and raising money for the boys to go to Mexico. Yesterday, Sun. was also a great day. I enjoyed the Cowboy church and the speaker singer really ministered to me. I like it when people challenge my faith. It causes me to dig into the word of God and get into the presence of the Lord. I find when I take the time to quietly worship the Lord, I get into His presence and when this happens He gives me revelations. Sometimes it is revelations about people, sometimes about what is happening or going to happen. By the time I am done I feel an incredible closeness to Jesus and I am able to walk in His joy.

The singer yesterday shared how he had to eventually get rid of all his "religious" books and get back into the word of God. I have always thought of that. There are so many Christian self help books or stories, testimonies, teaching books, etc. I don't think that there is anything wrong with these as long as we remember to eat the meat and spit out the bones. What I find is that we can get caught up reading so much of these and forget the Word of God. If there is any spare time for reading I think that it should be spent with the Lord, when we do this trials may come, but we will stay strong because Jesus brings his words of promise and reminds us that He is with us and will strengthen us. Also, how much time do we spend watching Christian television or listening to Christian prgms? These are good too, BUT how much time do you spend quietly with Jesus and in His word?? Do you know Jesus? Do you feel His heart beat? Do you know His will for your life? Do you know that, "...all things work for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose", (Rom.8:28) And "I tell you the truth anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father," (John 14:12) Just read His word, read about all the great things He did and He says that, greater things than these we will do, wow!! The only way we can do these things is by knowing the Father, as you read the word you will see that Jesus was totally connected with the Father, He would go off by himself and spend time with His Father, because He did this He could do the works of His Father. Think of all the great men and women of our time, what do they have in common? Each day they spend quality time in the presence of God and then they stay in the presence of God, that's what Jesus did too. Didn't Jesus come as a man to leave us as an example(Philip. 2) What an example to follow!! I know I fall very short but I will never give up, I will seek after God and walk in His presence.The only reason I have peace, strength and comfort is because of the love and arms of Jesus around me and I have the hope of heaven, where I know my Timmy is!! I challenge you, spend some time with Jesus each day and I will guarantee that you life and thinking will be changed. The word of God is so powerful, it does challenge the heart! Read the gospels and imagine that you are the one sitting there listening to Jesus, He's speaking to you!

I think I got a little carried away but I do get excited about Jesus! He is amazing and He loves us more than anyone else and He cares about us! Just imagine, you are never alone, you can talk to Him 24-7 and He always answers our prayers, it is, "yes, no or wait a while."

Well, I don't know exactly what today will bring but I know that it will be a great day! God bless you all!! Cradled in His Arms, Esther