Going to the site

Hello. It's always so hard for me to come to the blog. Every time I do, I just cry, I can't seem to help it. I wish I can just be happy, but it only hurts. I miss my sweet Tim and every time i see our picture, I just weep. I miss his hugs, cuddles, kisses, his warmth next to me as we sit together. I miss everything! I feel like a fish out of water. Who am I? I look at the kids and I hurt! When will it end?Will the tears ever stop?

Someone played me this song. It was so much like me. I didn't want to miss a moment with Tim when he was sick, i only slept about 3 hrs. a night. Sometime I would just watch his sweet face and watch him breathe. I just wanted to hear him and be next to him, I didn't want to miss a thing!

I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing (Aero Smith)

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
watch you smile while you are sleeping
while you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

( chorus)
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
cause even when I dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating(I love to hear his heart and feel his warmth)
and I'm wondering what you're dreaming
wondering if it's me you're seeing
then I kiss your eyes ( and his lips and face)
and thank God were together (I always did)
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
forever and ever ( but life doesn't work that way & I miss my Tim)

(chorus)

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close (I was holding him close when he died, right there in my arms)
feel your heart so close to mine
and just stay here in this moment
for all the rest of time (I only wish that I could, I thought that I was going to grow old with Tim)

(chorus)

The last month before he died, I was by his side. I didn't want to miss a moment. I'm glad I was able to be there every moment. Now I am missing those moments. All the love and cuddles. His laugh, his humor, his gentle ways, his craziy ways, his thoughtfulness and his sweetness. I miss looking into his blue eyes and seeing the love that he had for me and the forgiveness there when I messed up, I did it so often, but there was always forgiveness!

Some evenings and nights are so hard! The other night I couldn't sleep, so I got my ipod and starting listening to music. I forgot that my friend had down loaded some other songs for me. The second song said "I don't want to lose you....." I reached over to him, the empty cold spot of my bed and wept and wept!!

Sat. morning first thought, "if Tim were here he would be coming to kiss me to tell me that he was going to yard sales." He loved his yard sales!! And he loved me and he always made sure I had kisses before he left to go anywhere! It's hard to get out of bed sometimes, just knowing he won't be there.

I know that what I am going thru is normal grieving. I know that I will heal. I know that I will get through it. I know that you care. Could you just send me a note in the comments cause right now I just need to know that people care.

Easter was nice. Another first. It was hard but so nice to have the boys home. I miss them too!
Rae's wedding is in 4wks. and 4 days. We're having a shower for her on Apr. 19th. 2pm. at Cariboo Bethel.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. Whew!! I've been crying so much now I am all worn out!

I finally went to the grave site. I went yesterday and I fell apart, seeing his name,"Tim Wade," seemed so unreal and yet so final. I wept and stayed a long time. The sun came out and warmed me and I had a good talk with God and felt better. It seeems though that I can't seem to stop the tears!!

I will press on! Blessings to you all!
Esther

Memories

Hi, I just finished writing for 20 minutes and I lost it all. So, I'll try again. I was just rambling on, so here goes.

After my last post I decided it was time to get going with Christmas, I was trying to put it off because I knew it would be hard, but have to face all the firsts. I finally got the tree out and then started weeping. It was ALWAYS Tim's job to put it up. I just couldn't stop weeping so I never got it up that day.

Christmas Eve, Josiah on the piano and Joel playing guitar in the livingroom, Joel starts singing his song to his Dad. I broke down and started crying. Joel got to the 2nd verse, couldn't sing anymore, head was bowed, he was still playing and the tears were streaming down his cheeks. Jos continued to play as we all wept. Daddy we miss you, you meant so much to us, you taught us so much. Tim I miss you, where are you? Joel stopped, came over to me and we hugged and wept.

Christmas morning. Myself and 4 children, seemed quiet and empty, the big chair didn't have our Daddy on it, no laughter, no jokes, no encouraging comments. None of us said nothing we just felt the empyness. Shortly after the gifts were open Joel disappeared. I went downstairs and found him standing in the middle of the room, tears streaming down his face. I wrapped my arms around him and we cried. He then went to lay on the couch face down, I sat by him rubbing his back, praying and crying. "Jesus heal my sons broken heart." Where is our Tim?

Jan. 1, felt lost and scattered. Kids all had plans with friends, I had no Timmy to do something with so I had to find something to do, just wasn't the same.

Jan.29, Happy Birthday Tim. I miss you, but I know that you are celebrating in heaven and that is a good thing. I cried and cried. It was hard realizing that Tim was here anymore and I could hug, hold, kiss and wish him a happy birthday, face to face. When I woke up that morning I did, reach over to his side and say,"Happy Birthday Honey." It just all feels so empty. I miss you Tim. I know you're not coming back and I have to deal with that, I'm trying.

Feb.14th Where is my Valentine? Last yr. although he was very sick, in his wheel chair, catheter, morphine and gavapentin, he still made the day extra special for me, just like he always had for the past 26 yrs. He made reservations at a restaurant and invited other friends. When we got there there was a balloon, a beautiful candle and holder and some flowers, at my spot. I was so blessed, he was always so sweet and thoughtful, I was his little spoilt one!! He told me that we were going "all out," we had appy's, drinks, main course and dessert. After it all he groaned and said, "Oh, I am so full, I can barely walk!!" Then he gave a funny look and started laughing so hard!! He had us all laughing so hard too!! What a guy, to be able to laugh at his handicap! After a while we were able to gain control, then he said,"Now i feel sick," Then, he started laughing all over again!! And we joined him, what a crazy guy! Always bringing joy to others, never thinking about himself! I am so blessed to have had such a person in my life, I hope I can live up to his example. I cried and missed him this Valentines. He will always be my Valentine, because he was an example of unconditional love to me!

Spring Break, I felt so lost. Tim always had the ideas and plans and we went along with it quite happily. Now what do I do? Even last yr. when he was so sick, he made a plan for us to go to Victoria to spend time with Joel. We went for a walk near the beach and then he took us out for lunch to a nice seaside restaurant. We were all there Gean, Joel, Jos and Jerm! We had a great 5 days doing fun activites, even spent a day visiting my Aunt and Uncle in Sdyney, Tim was always thinking about others, he knew that I wanted to see my Aunt and Uncle and he made arrangements to do that! What a sweetheart! On the way home he got blurred vision, I didn't know than it was because he had brain tumors. He was so frustrated that he couldn't see clearly anymore, poor sweetheart. We made sure we spent some time with Rae at Bible School too and then we came home. Well, this yr. I was lost, didn't know what we should do, knew stuff for me. I had a great dream about Tim, he came and sat at the table across from me, his smiling bright blue eyes were looking into mine, I was smiling too! He said,"well honey, what are you going to do for Spring Break?" I was so excited because I thought that he was going to tell me. I said,"I don't know yet, I have some ideas," He smiled so big, a real confident smile, and then he was gone!! I was so disappointed! I realize now that he was just letting me know that he had confidence in me, that I would be okay, to step out and make plans. And it is Spring Break now and we are having the boys come home for Easter and having a nice time visiting. It's good, I have peace now.

There will be more firsts coming up soon. On St. Patricks Day, 27yrs. ago, I was sitting outside of the college, Tim came and sat with me, I bent down to pull up my sock and there was a four leaf clover! I picked it up and pressed it in my Bible. That evening Tim took me out for dinner and on the way home we stopped and parked and he gave me my engagement ring!! It is so beautiful! I have the 4leaf clover in our wedding album, if anyone wants to see it sometime, smile!

There will be Rae's wedding, May10th, Mothers Day and then the 31st. The day Tim went to heaven. I haven't been to the grave side yet so will go then. I am getting stronger and braver.

I know God holds my hand and we will be okay. Thanks for your continued prayers and care.
Blessings to you all!!
In His Arms,
Esther

Update

Hello Everyone,

It's about time I do an update! It's been an especially hard 3 weeks for me. It seems like I spend every day in tears over a memory or two. I know that in time God will heal. It's especially hard as Christmas is so near. Last night I was by myself and decided to set up the tree. This has always been Tim's job. As you can imagine, I only got it half out when the tears started. I just sat on the floor and cry and sobbed. Then I phoned Lynnette to talk to and pray for me. It really helped. Then I found Tim's "hippy" santa that I had given him as a joke, the tears again. I know that these tears are okay because God heals through them. It will be a challenging Christmas but we will all be together and we will walk through it together!!

Josiah will be home on Fri. and Joel on Sat. I can hardly wait to see my precious boys. I miss them so much!! Jos will be home for a week and Joel 2 weeks.

Rachelle got engaged to Jason Linde on Fri. Dec. 15!! I am thrilled, so excited for them. He truly loves her, cherishes her and treats he like a princess. The truth is, he spoils her!! She's worth it! The date is set for May 10th. and we can hardly wait. It will be so nice to make wedding plans. I will have 4 boys, all starting with the letter "J". They are all bible names as well, pretty cool hey!

Jeremiah is involved with a band, he is their lead singer. I hear him practicing and he has a good voice, can stay on key and hit the right notes!!

Mom and Dad are doing pretty good. Dad really does have alot of ups and downs. If anyone wants to minister, go visit him or just call him. He is really missing Tim too and a phone call and a visit would really bless him.

I hope that you will all have a great Christmas. Blessings to you all!!

In His Arms, Esther

Birthday and Dad

My last blog was 2 days before my birthday, so that was 10 days ago. There's been alot happening since then.

My birthday was happy sad, good hard, still blessed because I know that I am loved! When I got home from work, I walked into the house and found flowers!! Every birthday for 26 yrs. Tim has always brought me flowers, along with lots of love, hugs and kisses! My children made sure that the tradition of love was continued.

I saw the flowers and then I saw Josiah coming up the stairs, he had driven home from Kelowna to give me roses and bring the gift from all 4 children. I cried when I saw him and he gave me a BIG hug! Joel had sent a bouquet of flowers, stargazer lilies, because they were Tim's favorite and roses because I love them, I cried again. Rae, gave me a painting with roses, to always remember how Daddy always gave me roses, I cried again. I am so blessed to have such thoughtful loving children!!

I cried because I miss Tim. He was always the biggest part of my birthday, from the first kiss in the morning to the last kiss at night. I was Queen for the day!! I missed him, I cried myself to sleep that night, but I am okay because I know that tears are healing.

It really was a good day. I got a dozen yellow roses from my big sister Marlene. I had 3 of my special friends take me out for lunch and gave me precious and thoughful gifts. My Mom and Dad gave me an awesome card and gift. Rae and her boyfriend gave me a special gift and so did the Linde's and my faithful friends the Meads, had a special card and thoughtful gifts! Thanks to you all. Thanks to all of you that were praying for me on this day and thinking about me. Thanks to all the Happy Birthday wishes I got on facebook. I pray blessings on all these people, it made my day special, I know that Tim was smiling down on all of you for blessing his wife!! So, you see it was a happy sad day, but I am blessed.

I ask for your prayers. Dad had a heart attack and was taken by air ambulance to Kelowna. I drove mom down here. We spent most of the day with Dad. He had a number of tests today and we will know the results, hopefully by tomorrow. These tests are to find out what kind of damage was done. On Mon. or Tues. he will have another test to see what kind of blockage there is in his heart, from there they will decide what to do. They will most likely fly him to Vancouver, at least that is what they told us. Only half is heart is working, so they need to be very careful. I love my Dad very much, infact he really is the only Dad that I have had. My Dad died when I was 7. I have had Dad Wade in my life for 27 yrs. We have a special relationship, I love him with all my heart!! We spent most of the day with him. Tonight, him and I laughed so much, I was sweating!! We had a great time! Bless Him! I look forward to visiting him tomorrow. Pray for his recovery, he doesn't need to go party with Tim yet!

Blessings to you all!! In His Arms, Esther

Can't Fix it.

I sit here in tears as I think of my 4 beautiful children and how they hurt and miss their Dad. I'm their mother and I wish with all my heart that I could fix this situation.

I think of my little girl and how she was so close to her Dad, sitting by him holding his hand, talking and laughing at his corny comments. Talking about how he would do her wedding and all the things that the future held for them. I would just watch and smile. I wish I could give that back to her, I cry because I can't.

I think of Joel, the baseball and hockey, the jokes and laughs that he shared with his Dad. Now there is silence, I'm sorry for that.

Josiah misses Daddy's Big Hugs! "No one in this world gives them like Daddy." Where are those hugs, he needs them when he is overwhelmed and frustrated. I give hugs but not like Daddy, I miss those hugs too. I'm sorry, he hurts.

Jeremiah, in the teen years, missing Dad's guidance, Dad's funny jokes. I wish that he could have the rest of his years with Dad. The good times and the hard times. Daddy's not coming home and I am so sorry. I wish I could fix it.

I have been able to fix a lot of things but this one thing I can not fix. I just cry and cry and pray each day for the 4 wonderful gifts that Tim left me. I do my best to love them and be there for them. I feel the loss and the pain and wish with all my heart that they didn't have to go through this but we have to. I pray and God comforts and gives us courage to go on.

The YFC banquet was on Sat. and it was so hard. YFC was Tim's very heart beat. I could see it and feel it. Cecile, staff and board members did an awesome job. It was a wonderful banquet, even though I cried through most of it. I missed Tim. He wasn't there and it felt so odd. He's been there for 20yrs. and now? How could he not be there? It is hard to accept that. I try to console myself by remembering that he sees us from heaven.
I know that he was very happy in how the banquet went. Thank you to Everyone that help, Bless You!!

Thank you for your continued love, prayers and support. May God bless you all.

In His Arms, Esther

Keeping Busy

Hello Everyone,

Josiah made it to Kelowna safe and sound, I was a little worried for a while. He was having a few challenges with his car but now it is running great, we are so thankful for the great deal we got on it.

Joel called the other day and he is doing great. He got a new job and is very happy to have it. Rachelle handed in her 2 week notice for the Child Development Center and has some resumes out. She should be hearing soon as to which job she has.

My work at the school remains interesting. I took my first aid course on Oct.19 (Fri), and the next Mon. I was already practicing. The grade7 students had immunizations that morning and one of the girls fainted and had a seizer, so I had to deal with it. Then, another girl fainted, in the same class!! There were a number of kids that got sick so we called the health nurse to come back and they did. The next day ,one of the maintance men had a pipe hit him in the mouth and cut his lip open, so I was called in again! I put on the rubber gloves, checked out the wound and covered it to make sure it stayed clean while he went to emergency to get stitches. Yesterday, I had a little boy come in with his wrist all deformed, I iced it and put a sling on and called the mother, definately broken. He is now in Kamloops getting surgery on it, it was a pretty bad break. So, I guess you can say that I have been using my first aid regularly, lol!

This Sat. is the YFC annual fundraising banquet. It will not be easy for our family but we will get through it. I still have a hard time waking up, looking over at Tim's spot and not having him there. At night, I feel the same emptiness. It just doesn't seem right that he's not there. Sometimes I just lay there and cry for a while, or think about him and some of the thing he would say. I can't seem to sleep on "his" side, maybe one day I will.

Thanks for your prayers. Blessings to you all, Esther

Answered Prayer

Hello!! Thank you for your prayers. On Fri. at work, our secretary asked me if I was still looking for a car for Josiah, I said yes and she told me that her son had a car for sale. It use to be her car 2 yrs. ago and her son bought it from her. She told me all about it and I actually remembered how it looked. I was so excited!! It even had winter tires with rims!! It had everything that we had been praying for. So, today we went up to Prince George, looked at the car, took it for a drive and bought it!! Josiah drove it to Kelowna today, I hope he calls soon, it's 8pm. and he left in the afternoon. He said he would call when he got home.

Thanks for your prayers. I'll stay in touch.

With Love, Esther