Hi! It just seems that I am having a really emotinal week. Every where I look I see Tim and I cry. So, many times today I wanted to share something with him and couldn't. I keep reminding myself, Tim Wade is not coming back, and it breaks my heart and I cry. I know that some how the tears will stop and the ache will go away but it just feels like it never will.
I talked to Joel today, hadn't talked to him in about 6 days, which seemed long to me. He still doesn't have a job. He is struggling with grief, he said that he feels so tired and has no motivation. I told him that that is part of gieving and we will have a number of those days but we have to make ourselves move on. Make plans, try to plan something to look forward to, like going out with friends. I had a friends phone me yesterday and took me for a walk, it was so nice, thanks beautiful friends!! And an other friend invited Jerm and I out for supper tonight, I was looking forward to that all day and we had a wonderful time visiting, they let me share as much about Tim as I wanted to and we talked alot about Jesus. So, I encouraged Joel to make himself do things, grieving is hard, sometimes your sad, tired, aching, crying, even angry and sometimes we blame. There is no way around it, it has to be faced and Jesus gives us the strength. I don't understand what has happened but I do know that Jesus loves me, he is soverign and He is our healer. This is a deep subject, healing. I can not even try to understand it. I understand that my savior loves me and that heaven is our destiny, to all those who believe, and we will be there in a moment. Well, at least for those already in heaven, it is but a moment and for us it seems much longer. Our goal is heaven. We will all one day die and we must have a destiny, where are we going??
Anyways, kind of got off on a little tangent there. Joel and I had a nice talk, I just love that wonderful little guy. He will try this week to go to the Metis association and check out funding for college, I gave him his file number. He is hoping to up grade his marks, work hard and then next year go to university to pursue a career, he's thinking about being a French Immersion Elementary teacher. I think that he would be wonderful at this! I reminded him to keep seeking God and He will guide your steps. Please keep praying for him. Also, that others down there will call him up and encourage him to get out to do stuff. He still does not have a job, good thing he has a birthday(July22) coming up and I blessed him with some money, haha! In case some of you didn't know, he is back in Victoria.
Rachelle came over for supper last night, we had a nice visit. It is always nice to be with her, she is a very special person and I see the hand of God on her life. She bought a white Mazda, 4door, it is so nice, I got to see it last night. It feels good to know that she has a good dependable vehicle. She said that she is now an officially independant adult. Tim use to take care of us by handling the finacial stuff and making phone calls about vehicles, insure our vehicles and giving finacial advice. Well, now we all have to learn to do it ourselves. We realize that we were all so blessed, ok, maybe even spoiled! Tim took good care of us all, he was such a caring sweetheart!
I haven't heard from Josiah yet, it's been 2 whole days now, hahaha! I admit it, I miss the little guy already! Jerm and I are hanging out more, it's good just to have little chats.
I tried again today to sort through Tim's clothes but couldn't do it, it hurt too much. I will try again tomorrow, I will eventually be able to do it. Joel was telling me how he thinks of "Dad" every moment of the day and then he said he was thinking about me and how hard it must be to wake up and not have that special person beside you. It is hard. Then, I want to tell Tim about the kids and what I am planning for the day and then I remember he is not there and I cry. Then, I wipe the tears and talk to Jesus and I know that everthing is going to be okay!We are all wrapped in the arms of Jesus!! Love you all, thanks for your prayers, love and support. Thanks for the encouraging comments!! Blessings to you all!! Esther
posted by tim...miss you @ 10:21 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Esther,
I love the title 'journeying together.' I just realised as I was reading your entry how real that title is - I'm sitting here in Vancouver now with my family - tears flowing down my cheek as I read.
It sounds like many are journeying with you.
Sending you love and prayers,
Marnie
Esther,
It is so great to hear that Joel is thinking of becoming a French Immersion teacher. I just had to laugh at that! (I remember him well as a student!)
I know it's hard to work through the loss. But it sounds like you're doing well.
Best wishes.
Karen
Sorry to hear you are having a emotional week. I can not imagine what you are dealing with:( The loss of Tim, and most of your children also gone from the home. It must be so quiet around your house? All you can do is hangin there, trust in God and the rest of it will take care of itself!
I pray for you that sharing your feelings helps to release the some of the pain, that has helped me during some of my roughest times in my life. You are a very strong women, with a strong family with lots of love, Tim's journey continues through you and the Lord. Remember, Footprints in the Sand, the Lord will carry you as long as you need him to. There are so many of us who wish we could take away the pain. I pray over time that things will be a little easier to deal with, but as you know, it will never be the same, just perhaps a bit easier to live with...take care of yourself,
Esther, You know it takes a super strong lady to sit there and write to the world all the emotions a person goes through with the loss of a loved one. It really helps people who are going through the same thing that they are not alone! It's ok to cry! crying heals the hurt over time! Good days and bads will all end heal your heart and make your days easier with time, time and more time!
Thanks so much for writing about your feeling and emtions. I know it is helping with my loss in my live and reading your words give me strenghth to carry on!
Hope you have a better week!
Your in my heart and prayers always,
Danielle
Hi Esther..I so glad you are continuing on with Tim's blogsite..and it helps to express what you are going through. My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in Christ Jesus and that goes for spirit, soul and body..
Never feel that the Lord only cares for the big things,,He cares for the very smallest insignificant minutest situations in our life..He is our Father in Heaven and His love is fathomless..we have no idea how deeply He cares for His children..let me tell you a little story which I've told many times..I may even have told you this story..
One Christmas many years ago, I was cleaning up after a Christmas dinner and I suddenly realized that one of my punch bowl plastic cup hooks was missing..can't hang 12 cups on 11 cuphooks..well, I searched high and low for that one cuphook..finally I said Lord, you know where that cuphook is and left my frustrations in His care..
All the garbage had been put in a big black plastic bag and been left out on the back porch. As I was going to pick it up and put it in the shed, I noticed a hole at the bottom of the bag and low and behold, sticking out of the hole, stuck to a hard candy was my cuphook.
Like the woman in scripture who found the lost coin, I thought I'd struck gold..oh, I rejoiced over that found plastic cuphook and knew that the Lord had just shown me how important our small things in life are to Him and how much He loves us..I still get teary eyed when I remember this story and will never forget it..
Hug yourself for me will you..
love and prayers...
Mary Hale
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