Going to the site

Hello. It's always so hard for me to come to the blog. Every time I do, I just cry, I can't seem to help it. I wish I can just be happy, but it only hurts. I miss my sweet Tim and every time i see our picture, I just weep. I miss his hugs, cuddles, kisses, his warmth next to me as we sit together. I miss everything! I feel like a fish out of water. Who am I? I look at the kids and I hurt! When will it end?Will the tears ever stop?

Someone played me this song. It was so much like me. I didn't want to miss a moment with Tim when he was sick, i only slept about 3 hrs. a night. Sometime I would just watch his sweet face and watch him breathe. I just wanted to hear him and be next to him, I didn't want to miss a thing!

I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing (Aero Smith)

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
watch you smile while you are sleeping
while you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

( chorus)
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
cause even when I dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating(I love to hear his heart and feel his warmth)
and I'm wondering what you're dreaming
wondering if it's me you're seeing
then I kiss your eyes ( and his lips and face)
and thank God were together (I always did)
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
forever and ever ( but life doesn't work that way & I miss my Tim)

(chorus)

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close (I was holding him close when he died, right there in my arms)
feel your heart so close to mine
and just stay here in this moment
for all the rest of time (I only wish that I could, I thought that I was going to grow old with Tim)

(chorus)

The last month before he died, I was by his side. I didn't want to miss a moment. I'm glad I was able to be there every moment. Now I am missing those moments. All the love and cuddles. His laugh, his humor, his gentle ways, his craziy ways, his thoughtfulness and his sweetness. I miss looking into his blue eyes and seeing the love that he had for me and the forgiveness there when I messed up, I did it so often, but there was always forgiveness!

Some evenings and nights are so hard! The other night I couldn't sleep, so I got my ipod and starting listening to music. I forgot that my friend had down loaded some other songs for me. The second song said "I don't want to lose you....." I reached over to him, the empty cold spot of my bed and wept and wept!!

Sat. morning first thought, "if Tim were here he would be coming to kiss me to tell me that he was going to yard sales." He loved his yard sales!! And he loved me and he always made sure I had kisses before he left to go anywhere! It's hard to get out of bed sometimes, just knowing he won't be there.

I know that what I am going thru is normal grieving. I know that I will heal. I know that I will get through it. I know that you care. Could you just send me a note in the comments cause right now I just need to know that people care.

Easter was nice. Another first. It was hard but so nice to have the boys home. I miss them too!
Rae's wedding is in 4wks. and 4 days. We're having a shower for her on Apr. 19th. 2pm. at Cariboo Bethel.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. Whew!! I've been crying so much now I am all worn out!

I finally went to the grave site. I went yesterday and I fell apart, seeing his name,"Tim Wade," seemed so unreal and yet so final. I wept and stayed a long time. The sun came out and warmed me and I had a good talk with God and felt better. It seeems though that I can't seem to stop the tears!!

I will press on! Blessings to you all!
Esther