Memories

Hi, I just finished writing for 20 minutes and I lost it all. So, I'll try again. I was just rambling on, so here goes.

After my last post I decided it was time to get going with Christmas, I was trying to put it off because I knew it would be hard, but have to face all the firsts. I finally got the tree out and then started weeping. It was ALWAYS Tim's job to put it up. I just couldn't stop weeping so I never got it up that day.

Christmas Eve, Josiah on the piano and Joel playing guitar in the livingroom, Joel starts singing his song to his Dad. I broke down and started crying. Joel got to the 2nd verse, couldn't sing anymore, head was bowed, he was still playing and the tears were streaming down his cheeks. Jos continued to play as we all wept. Daddy we miss you, you meant so much to us, you taught us so much. Tim I miss you, where are you? Joel stopped, came over to me and we hugged and wept.

Christmas morning. Myself and 4 children, seemed quiet and empty, the big chair didn't have our Daddy on it, no laughter, no jokes, no encouraging comments. None of us said nothing we just felt the empyness. Shortly after the gifts were open Joel disappeared. I went downstairs and found him standing in the middle of the room, tears streaming down his face. I wrapped my arms around him and we cried. He then went to lay on the couch face down, I sat by him rubbing his back, praying and crying. "Jesus heal my sons broken heart." Where is our Tim?

Jan. 1, felt lost and scattered. Kids all had plans with friends, I had no Timmy to do something with so I had to find something to do, just wasn't the same.

Jan.29, Happy Birthday Tim. I miss you, but I know that you are celebrating in heaven and that is a good thing. I cried and cried. It was hard realizing that Tim was here anymore and I could hug, hold, kiss and wish him a happy birthday, face to face. When I woke up that morning I did, reach over to his side and say,"Happy Birthday Honey." It just all feels so empty. I miss you Tim. I know you're not coming back and I have to deal with that, I'm trying.

Feb.14th Where is my Valentine? Last yr. although he was very sick, in his wheel chair, catheter, morphine and gavapentin, he still made the day extra special for me, just like he always had for the past 26 yrs. He made reservations at a restaurant and invited other friends. When we got there there was a balloon, a beautiful candle and holder and some flowers, at my spot. I was so blessed, he was always so sweet and thoughtful, I was his little spoilt one!! He told me that we were going "all out," we had appy's, drinks, main course and dessert. After it all he groaned and said, "Oh, I am so full, I can barely walk!!" Then he gave a funny look and started laughing so hard!! He had us all laughing so hard too!! What a guy, to be able to laugh at his handicap! After a while we were able to gain control, then he said,"Now i feel sick," Then, he started laughing all over again!! And we joined him, what a crazy guy! Always bringing joy to others, never thinking about himself! I am so blessed to have had such a person in my life, I hope I can live up to his example. I cried and missed him this Valentines. He will always be my Valentine, because he was an example of unconditional love to me!

Spring Break, I felt so lost. Tim always had the ideas and plans and we went along with it quite happily. Now what do I do? Even last yr. when he was so sick, he made a plan for us to go to Victoria to spend time with Joel. We went for a walk near the beach and then he took us out for lunch to a nice seaside restaurant. We were all there Gean, Joel, Jos and Jerm! We had a great 5 days doing fun activites, even spent a day visiting my Aunt and Uncle in Sdyney, Tim was always thinking about others, he knew that I wanted to see my Aunt and Uncle and he made arrangements to do that! What a sweetheart! On the way home he got blurred vision, I didn't know than it was because he had brain tumors. He was so frustrated that he couldn't see clearly anymore, poor sweetheart. We made sure we spent some time with Rae at Bible School too and then we came home. Well, this yr. I was lost, didn't know what we should do, knew stuff for me. I had a great dream about Tim, he came and sat at the table across from me, his smiling bright blue eyes were looking into mine, I was smiling too! He said,"well honey, what are you going to do for Spring Break?" I was so excited because I thought that he was going to tell me. I said,"I don't know yet, I have some ideas," He smiled so big, a real confident smile, and then he was gone!! I was so disappointed! I realize now that he was just letting me know that he had confidence in me, that I would be okay, to step out and make plans. And it is Spring Break now and we are having the boys come home for Easter and having a nice time visiting. It's good, I have peace now.

There will be more firsts coming up soon. On St. Patricks Day, 27yrs. ago, I was sitting outside of the college, Tim came and sat with me, I bent down to pull up my sock and there was a four leaf clover! I picked it up and pressed it in my Bible. That evening Tim took me out for dinner and on the way home we stopped and parked and he gave me my engagement ring!! It is so beautiful! I have the 4leaf clover in our wedding album, if anyone wants to see it sometime, smile!

There will be Rae's wedding, May10th, Mothers Day and then the 31st. The day Tim went to heaven. I haven't been to the grave side yet so will go then. I am getting stronger and braver.

I know God holds my hand and we will be okay. Thanks for your continued prayers and care.
Blessings to you all!!
In His Arms,
Esther